Learning to Love.

Let me explain my life as a single woman.

I work full time. I am intensively into my fitness. I see my friends from time to time for a glass of wine or three. I travel down south to see my family for every occasion going, just to have the excuse to see them all.

You see, Love doesn’t seem to have an importance in my life, and I’m talking of the romantic kind. Don’t get me all wrong here, I have been on plenty of dates since my last break up, (which is nearly a year ago) met up with some really cool people (and some absolute crazies!) But nothing seems to go further than friendship, and it has all been on my term.

I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but they just wasn’t on the mark. Maybe they just weren’t the right person… Maybe I got them all wrong. Maybe I’m looking in all the wrong places or maybe I am just not ready.

Not ready for someone to walk with me on my journey, to fit them in with the life in which I have created. To let myself reinforce what love really feels like.

We have all been there, we have all had that crappy relationship… Broken promises, the cheating and the lies. However, they seem to have been the constant factors within all of my relationships. I couldn’t tell you what it feels like to be safe. 

This is why I am who I am today. The strong, independent woman I believe I am. It wasn’t easy, learning to love ones self has been a hard road to take, but I’m here and I’m safe.

I’ve had that feeling once since, meeting someone and feeling the butterflies in my stomach. We had lots of fun, the time runs away with you both and your bodies connect like no other… But once it goes past that, you are within the danger zone (Oh hello Archer quote.) The middle ground of where ‘love’ becomes a game.

This is the part where I run. Run up the tallest hill and rapidly think of a way out.

Some would say I am still damaged, some say I am a cynic, some have also said that I over analyse a situation, just so I can create a story of why my behaviour is acceptable to just walk in and out of a persons life… But nothing is more frightening than being the one that falls without a person there to catch you.

This is not a forever thing… I do want to know what love feels like and I see many people meeting the person that makes them feel like they are the only one in the world; I just haven’t found it myself.

I still feel that love is something of a façade. Although I know that this is my own issue. An issue that should be dealt with before meeting anyone that wants to be involved within my life. Being scared of feeling should not be a reason to leave.

One day, I will let someone in. That someone just needs to know that I won’t give them my everything until I know I am protected from harm. My Mr right is not Mr perfect… Just someone who makes me feel safe when I am handing over my heart.

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